The Human Resources Dept.

Human Resources departments are the scum of an infested world view, they'd do well to remember the thought that humans should never be treated as means to ends, but only as ends in themselves;

here is a true story from an office block near you...

The corporate friendliness surrounded them like a mist, gestures of financial guilt massage…the production line calendars and greetings cards on the desks were all on display, trying to bandage the wound…
Jefferson and Peterson stood speaking, so what’s new Jefferson, oh, not much actually, its been a pretty quiet week, we got a new scanner for the fourth floor, new ink cartridge jets arrived late but I will call the central office and lodge a complaint, formally of course… mm, good mused Peterson, good, someone new in the H.R. dept. though I think, saw him the other day while I was doing the rounds (it was a well known fact that all Peterson did was “do the rounds..”, constantly inspecting…), really sir, said Jefferson in alarmed surprise, I don’t think so, or at least there shouldn’t be anyone new taken on board, you know, with this recession that everyone’s talking about,.. talking said Peterson, not talking Jefferson, whispering, whispering in the corners over their instant cups of coffee, you should know better than to listen to the idle gossip of over paid secretaries, now come Jefferson, let’s see about this new member of staff…who could it be said Jefferson, I mean what does he do…doesn’t seem to do much really, just seems to stand about in the centre of the office, you know, between the desks, or sometimes he’s by the coffee station, seems friendly enough to me, offered to hold my folder while I was making a cup of tea once, very friendly, but as to his job, I really couldn’t say, thought you might know something about it…
The two men amble mock casually into the H.R. dept, which was an open plan office. There was also the “hero board”, the obligatory “we’re here to help” signs and of course employee of the month lists, charts, data and details on employees private lives stashed away in the wall of filing cabinets on one side; all of course to help with the firing of any current employee should the need arise.
And indeed yes, there he was, there said Peterson, look there he is.
He stood, lank, weary looking in the centre of the open plan desking units. His hair looked greasy, and his face boyish, until he caught Jefferson’s intensely heavy stare on him, laser beaming him like a photocopy machine on print,… Peterson went to speak with head of the H.R. dept, bidding Jefferson to stay where he was with a regal wave of his hand.

Who’s the new one said Peterson nodding towards the subject at hand. The re-circulated air was dry, and stung the screen bound eyes it met,
That’s uh,.. clark I think, sir, said the Head of H.R.,
What’s he doing?
Uh, his job sir.
And what is his job?
Well, sir, it’s all part of a new cost saving initiative that we’ve had, he’s acting as a table sir, you know, just on a temporary basis,
What do you mean a table, a table, have you gone mad..? said Peterson half in horror,
No sir, not mad, we did the maths you see, and it works out cheaper to hire this uh, clark here, to act as a table just during busy high peak high use high frequency times, such as coffee breaks, lunch hours and briefly in the morning, than it would cost to buy a table. In fact, we’ve stretched the scheme to cover the whole office building, by insisting that each dept. take its lunch break in turns, the first from 9 -10am, then next at 0am-11am and so on until the last dept takes theirs from 4pm-5pm, we’ve managed to employ this here Mr. Clark as a full time table, going from dept. to dept, as the need arises, look, as you can see we’ve also got him wired up to a radio in the instance that he can be called at a moments notice by the Head of any Dept in case of an emergency when a table might really be needed. This scheme has saved us a great deal sir, a great deal I assure you.
Peterson was silent, almost in awe, but also thinking he’d have to watch this here Mandelson, Head of H.R. today, but he was a sharp one, and could rise through the ranks rather quicker than Peterson would like to see; yes of course said Peterson, that’s good work there Mandelson, keep it up…

Returning to the waiting Jefferson who had been craning his neck in a vain attempt to lip read the conversation, Peterson simply nodded to the door and begun to walk on, but wait, wait sir, what was his job, what does he do..? at this Peterson turned and said as casually as he could possibly conspire to, why he’s a table of course. A table..? said Jefferson, what do you mean he’s a table,. Oh Christ said Peterson with real irritation, what do you think I mean by he’s a table, he’s a bloody table ok….

And with that, both men walk mock casually back the way they had come, Peterson adjusting his neck tie, and Jefferson, well, Jefferson wondering what the career prospects were like in today’s market for a table…